Understanding Attachment and How It Shapes Your Relationships

Our early experiences with the people who care for us play a huge role in shaping the relationships we form later in life. Attachment Theory helps explain how the bonds we develop as children influence our emotional wellbeing and the way we connect with others as adults.

So, What is Attachment?

Attachment is the deep emotional bond we form with those who care for us, especially our primary caregivers. From the moment we're born, we have an instinct to create these connections because, quite simply, they are essential for our survival. Behaviours like crying, clinging, and following our caregivers around are natural ways we try to keep them close, ensuring that we feel safe and secure.

As we grow, we begin to use our caregivers as a "secure base". This means that when we feel safe in their care, we’re more likely to explore the world around us with the confidence that they’ll be there to support and comfort us when needed.

How Attachment Affects Us Long Term

The way we attach to others as children doesn’t just fade away as we grow – it stays with us and influences how we form relationships as adults. If we have a secure attachment as children, we’re likely to develop into adults who are good at building healthy, trusting relationships. We can manage our emotions, handle conflict, and feel good about ourselves.

However, if we experience insecure attachment patterns, it can create struggles in adult relationships. You might find yourself looking for someone to fill an emotional gap, but these relationships can often feel unhealthy or unfulfilling. Unresolved attachment issues might show up as anxiety, fear of abandonment, or a deep difficulty in trusting others. These patterns might cause you to form relationships that don’t really meet your emotional needs – and that can leave you feeling lost or incomplete.

The Four Attachment Styles

Mary Ainsworth, who worked alongside John Bowlby, identified four main attachment styles based on her research. These styles reflect how children respond to their caregivers, and they can also help us understand adult relationship dynamics:

• Secure Attachment: If you had a secure attachment growing up, you likely feel comfortable exploring relationships, trusting others, and managing your emotions. You were able to rely on your caregivers, which means you now have the ability to build strong, trusting connections as an adult.

• Insecure-Avoidant Attachment: If your caregiver wasn’t emotionally available, you may have learned to avoid close connections. As an adult, this might mean that you struggle to open up to others, even though you secretly crave connection. You might push people away without even realising why.

• Insecure-Ambivalent/Resistant Attachment: If your caregiving was inconsistent, you might have developed feelings of anxiety or clinginess. As an adult, you may find yourself overly dependent on your partner, constantly worried they’ll abandon you or won’t meet your emotional needs.

• Disorganised Attachment: This style typically arises from a chaotic or frightening caregiving environment. As an adult, you might feel torn between wanting closeness and feeling afraid or distrustful. This can lead to confusion and instability in your relationships.

How Attachment Shapes Your Relationships

The attachment style you developed as a child tends to follow you into adulthood. If you find yourself constantly trying to fill an emotional void with unhealthy relationships, it might be because of the attachment style you formed early on.

If you have a secure attachment, you’re likely to find it easier to form balanced, trusting relationships. But if you relate more to an insecure attachment style, you may struggle to feel secure in your relationships. You might constantly feel as though something is missing, even when you’re in a relationship, leading to a cycle of dissatisfaction and unmet emotional needs.

The Impact of Unhealthy Relationship Patterns

If your attachment issues remain unresolved, you might find yourself unconsciously seeking out relationships in an attempt to fill an emotional gap. This can leave you feeling lonely or emotionally empty when you're not in a relationship, as if something important is missing. And, ironically, even when you're in a relationship, you may still feel that emptiness.

It’s important to recognise that this isn't your fault – these patterns were often formed during childhood, based on how you were taught to connect with others. But understanding these patterns is the first step in breaking the cycle and making healthier choices in your relationships.

The Void You Feel When You’re Not in a Relationship

If you're not in a relationship, it might feel like there’s a void inside – a sense of loneliness or emotional emptiness that’s hard to fill. This feeling might stem from the way you learned to rely on others for emotional fulfilment during your childhood. You might think you need a relationship to feel validated or complete, but in truth, real emotional security comes from within.

The longing for connection can lead you to feel as though you need someone else to fill that gap. You may find yourself constantly searching for new relationships, only to realise that, even when you're with someone, the emptiness remains. It's not necessarily the relationship itself that's the issue – it's the deeper attachment patterns that make it hard to feel truly secure and content with yourself.

What You Can Do to Heal

The good news is that healing is not only possible – it’s within your reach. By understanding your attachment style, you can start making healthier choices in your relationships. Recognising when you’re seeking relationships to fill an emotional void, rather than looking for genuine connection, is an important step in breaking free from old patterns.

Here are some things you can try:

• Reflect on your past relationships: Think about how your attachment style might have influenced your connections and emotional needs. Understanding this can give you the clarity you need to make healthier choices moving forward.

• Work on your self-worth and emotional independence: Learn to feel secure in yourself, so you don’t rely on others to define your sense of self-worth. Building a fulfilling life outside of romantic relationships can help you feel emotionally secure on your own.

• Seek professional support: Working with a therapist can help you explore your attachment patterns in more depth and develop the tools you need to form healthier, more secure relationships.

Healing takes time, but with self-awareness and a little patience, you can create meaningful and lasting connections. The key is starting with a strong, loving relationship with yourself – because you deserve to feel whole, loved, and emotionally secure, no matter where you are in life.

Parenting from a Therapy Perspective: Embracing the Chaos with Compassion

Parenting is like trying to juggle flaming swords while riding a unicycle—blindfolded. The highs are exhilarating (a smile from your child that could melt even the toughest heart), but the lows? They can feel like you've been hit with a rogue dodgeball during PE. It’s a wild ride, and sometimes it feels like no one really knows what’s going on. But what if we approached parenting with the same care and intention as we do therapy? Here’s a playful dive into parenting through the lens of a therapist—and how it can make your journey (and sanity) just a little bit easier.

1. Parenting is Like Therapy (for Everyone)

In therapy, we create a safe space for people to express their emotions, work through their challenges, and discover ways to cope. As parents, we do this every single day. When your child has a meltdown because you told them they couldn’t have another biscuit, you’re not just playing referee. You’re channeling your inner therapist—helping them understand their emotions, cope with frustration, and develop emotional intelligence. And when your own patience is running thin, it's an opportunity for you to process your feelings and practice self-compassion. You may not have a diploma, but trust me, you’re a therapist in training.

2. Emotional Validation: The Secret Sauce

One of the core tenets of therapy is validating emotions. You might hear therapists say, "I understand how you feel," or "It’s okay to be upset." It sounds simple, but in the throes of parenting, this is gold. When your child is inconsolable because they can't find their favourite toy, rather than brushing off their feelings with a "It's not a big deal," try validating them: “I can see that you're really upset about your toy. It’s hard when things go missing.” This teaches kids that their feelings are important and helps them feel seen.

Pro tip for parents: Validation doesn’t mean you’re giving in. It just means acknowledging the emotion before gently guiding them to a solution. You’re not saying, “You’re right, you can have the biscuit,” but you are saying “I get that you're really wanting that biscuit right now.”

3. Boundaries Are a Gift (Yes, Seriously)

In therapy, establishing boundaries is critical to healthy relationships. The same goes for parenting. Children thrive when they know where the boundaries are—even if they test them every five minutes. Setting clear, consistent rules provides security and structure. But here's the twist: boundaries are not walls. They're more like guardrails on a rollercoaster. They help steer your child toward safety while still allowing them the freedom to explore. So, when your toddler is trying to convince you that "No, Mummy, I can have dessert before dinner,” remember boundaries are not a punishment—they’re an essential part of healthy emotional development.

4. The Power of Empathy

Therapists know that empathy is a powerful tool for healing. When you meet your child where they are emotionally, you're not just hearing their words; you're listening to their needs. That means acknowledging when they're upset without brushing it off or getting frustrated. For example, if your child is nervous about a new school, instead of saying, "Oh, you'll be fine," try, "I can understand why you're feeling nervous about this big change. It's okay to feel that way." This approach gives them space to talk about their feelings and opens the door for you to help them work through it.

Pro tip for empathy in parenting: It works even when the emotions are not your own. If your child is feeling embarrassed about their mistake, show empathy, not sympathy. "I see that you're feeling embarrassed. Everyone makes mistakes, and that's how we learn!"

5. Modeling Self-Care (Because You Can’t Pour from an Empty Cup)

A therapist's job is often about teaching client’s self-care and healthy coping strategies. As parents, you’re the ultimate role model for your kids, even when you don’t realise it. Taking care of yourself—not just physically, but emotionally—is essential. When you show your kids that it’s okay to take breaks, practice mindfulness, or ask for help, you’re teaching them how to prioritise their own well-being.

Set aside time for that bubble bath, call a friend, read a book, or simply breathe deeply for five minutes. Trust me, your kids are watching—and they’re learning from your actions, not just your words.

6. Progress, Not Perfection

Therapists are all about progress, not perfection. And guess what? Parenting is no different. Every day is a new opportunity for growth—for both you and your child. Celebrate the small wins: the first time your child shares their toy without a meltdown, the day they remember to say "please" and "thank you," or even the day they don’t scream over broccoli. Parenting isn’t about achieving perfection; it’s about creating an environment where both you and your child can evolve and learn together. So, don’t stress about having all the answers. Even the most seasoned parents are just figuring it out as they go.

7. Laugh It Off (Therapist-Approved)

Therapists often use humour as a tool to lighten the mood and make clients feel more comfortable. Parenting can be so serious sometimes, but taking a moment to laugh can release tension and build connection. So, when your toddler insists that the dog is a "talking unicorn" or when your 8-year-old argues that "homework is a conspiracy," try to embrace the ridiculousness of it all. Laughter doesn’t solve everything, but it certainly makes the ride a lot more enjoyable.

Final Thoughts: Parenting is a Therapy Session, But You’re the Therapist and the Client

In many ways, parenting is an ongoing therapy session. You’re learning how to navigate your child’s emotions while learning about yourself in the process. The key is to embrace the mess, practice patience, and use the same tools therapists use every day: validation, empathy, boundaries, self-care, and humour. You’ve got this—just remember to take it one deep breath at a time. And if you ever need a reminder that you're doing great, just remember that therapy is a journey, not a destination. You're allowed to be a work in progress, too!

So, pour yourself a cup of tea, sit back, and give yourself a pat on the back. Parenting from a therapy perspective isn’t about perfection—it’s about progress, love, and learning along the way.

If you need support around your parenting journey reach out today!

Trauma and the Body: More Connected Than You Think

As a psychotherapist, I often find myself talking to clients about how trauma isn’t just something that lives in our minds—it’s something that resides in our bodies too. Now, I know that might sound a bit out there to some, but bear with me. There’s actually some fascinating science behind it, and understanding this connection can be a game changer for anyone working through trauma.

So, let’s break it down. When something traumatic happens—whether it’s a car accident, a tough breakup, or even childhood adversity—your body experiences it in a very real way. Your heart races, your muscles tense, your breath becomes shallow. These are all natural responses to stress and danger, managed by the part of our brain called the amygdala. But here’s the kicker: when trauma doesn’t get processed, that physical tension doesn’t just go away. It stays with you.

You’ve probably heard the phrase "fight or flight" in relation to stress. Well, imagine you’ve been in a constant state of "fight or flight" because of unresolved trauma. Your body becomes like a pressure cooker, and if you don’t release that tension, it can lead to a whole host of physical symptoms—like chronic pain, digestive issues, or even sleep problems.

But here’s where it gets even more interesting: it’s not just about tension. Trauma can affect the way you move and hold yourself. You might start to notice that you’re slumped over more often, or maybe your shoulders are perpetually hunched up to your ears. Your body becomes like a map of your experiences—storing those emotions in every muscle, joint, and nerve.

So, what can we do about it? Well, first things first—getting in touch with your body is a huge step. I often encourage clients to do some simple body scans. This means pausing for a moment to check in with yourself and noticing where you’re holding tension. Are your fists clenched? Are your jaw muscles tight? Getting curious about these sensations can help you begin to release the grip trauma might have on your body.

Another powerful tool is mindfulness or relaxation techniques. The beauty of these practices is that they help bring your body back to the present moment, which is exactly what trauma often tries to pull you away from. By focusing on your breath, or even doing a few stretches or yoga poses, you can send a signal to your body that it’s safe to let go.

And, of course, therapy itself is an excellent way to process trauma—especially trauma that’s lodged in the body. Talking through your experiences with a trained professional can help you make sense of what happened and how it’s affected you. It’s like giving your body permission to finally exhale after holding its breath for far too long.

So, next time you catch yourself feeling tense or stiff, take a moment to consider the possibility that your body might be holding onto something from the past. Your body and mind are inextricably linked, and healing one can help heal the other.

Let’s make peace with our bodies—one breath, one stretch, one step at a time.

Counselling and Psychotherapy

Psychotherapy and counselling are both forms of talk therapy, but they differ in their focus, techniques, and depth of treatment.

Psychotherapy tends to be more in-depth and is often used to treat more complex or long-term mental health conditions, such as anxiety disorders, depression, trauma, or personality disorders. It involves exploring past experiences, unconscious patterns, and deep-rooted emotional issues. Psychotherapists may use a variety of therapeutic approaches, like Internal Family Systems, Trauma informed therapy, or dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), and the process typically involves longer-term treatment.

Counselling, on the other hand, often addresses specific issues or challenges that a person may be facing, like grief, relationship difficulties, or stress. It tends to be shorter-term and more focused on problem-solving and providing guidance in navigating current life challenges. Counselling may be less intensive than psychotherapy.

In short, while both aim to improve mental well-being, psychotherapy delves deeper into emotional issues, whereas counselling typically focuses on more immediate concerns.

A Definition of Gestalt Therapy

I see gestalt therapy as a voyage of discovery. We are exploring how a person reaches out to their world, how they respond to their situation and how past and present situations impact up their (and our) process of reaching out in the here and now. We do so while actively engaging in the relationship with the client as part of their situation, paying careful attention to what happens in the dynamic interchange between us. We aim to increase awareness through embracing the totality of everything the person before us is, was and can become. Gestalt is exciting, vibrant and energetic.

Written by Dave Man.

Gestalt therapy is all about being present in the moment and discovering how your thoughts, feelings, and actions are all connected. Picture this: it’s like sitting down with a therapist who’s not just listening to your story, but helping you *experience* it right here and now. Founded by Fritz Perls, Gestalt therapy encourages you to explore your emotions, behaviors, and body language in real time to gain deeper self-awareness.

In Gestalt therapy, the idea that "whatever is out of our awareness runs our lives" suggests that unconscious thoughts, unresolved emotions, and unacknowledged patterns shape our behavior and experiences. When we're not fully aware of these underlying influences, they can control our actions, reactions, and perceptions without us even realizing it. By bringing these hidden aspects into conscious awareness, we can begin to understand and take responsibility for them, freeing ourselves from playing out our unconscious behavior.

In this kind of therapy, the focus is on the *present*—what’s going on *now*, not just what happened in the past. It’s about understanding how your inner world (thoughts, feelings) affects your outer world (actions, relationships), and vice versa. It’s also a chance to explore patterns you might not even know you have, like avoiding difficult emotions or repeating old behaviors.

A key idea in Gestalt therapy is the concept of “unfinished business”—those unresolved feelings or situations from the past that keep popping up and influencing your present. The therapist will help you identify these and work through them, creating space for healing and growth.

Gestalt therapy isn’t just talk—it’s an active process. It’s interactive, creative, and hands-on, making it a fun and engaging way to tap into your emotions, break old habits, and embrace who you truly are right now.

The Monkey On Your Back

Thinking about the wide variety of addictions and wondering what the differences and similarities are between them? Take gambling addiction and drug addiction, or sex addiction v's a shop lifting addiction. All of them offer an escape from reality, a high, an escape from having to connect with oneself and feel one’s emotions. They are all a means of trying to fill a void within oneself, as the person feels something within them, or their reality isn't adequate.

I believe addictions are all creative adjustments which the person has unknowingly created to assist them to cope with something, that otherwise they think they do not have the self-support or environmental support to deal with. Pretty smart really. Smart but painful. As the addiction will never deal with the underlying problem. It will never permanently ease ones pain or troubles. It is ALWAYS going to return once the high from the last big win wears off, or the drug starts to wear off, hence the horrific cycle of addiction. Until someone is prepared to take a look inside oneself at the 'problem' or 'pain' or whatever it may be, develop a different set of coping skills and learn how to self-support and gain support from one's environment, addiction will never be a cure. It will continue to destroy and ravage the person’s life, as that is the nature of addiction. 

Thankfully there is another way. It may seem so scary and almost undo-able but it’s actually nothing compared to how scary and painful the cycle of addiction is.

I remember hearing a story about a little girl who was being badly abused by her mother. She was beaten and was burnt with cigarettes. When the police and social services came to take the little girl away someone took a photo of the little girl being carried away by a social worker. The little girl was in tears reaching over the social workers shoulder reaching out and screaming for her mum. For that little girl even terrible pain is preferable to the unknown. The unknown can be terrifying. But I can guarantee it's nowhere near as bad as active addiction.  

Seeing clients sit with the unknown and growing emotionally and learn more about themselves is one of the best rewards a therapist can experience. There is something about watching the journey a client goes through from when they first come into therapy and when they are transitioning out of it. Like watching a ship thats so overladen with cargo it can't sail with the weight. It's on the verge of sinking, and each week in therapy, the client is unloading their cargo bit by bit. At the end of the therapeutic journey, still with some cargo, they leave sailing on the ocean, lighter and with more skills to handle the weight of the cargo of life, and the skills to throw it overboard if it gets too much or no longer suits them.

The People Pleaser

Are You a People Pleaser? Let’s Break Free and Live Authentically!

Ever catch yourself saying "yes" when you really want to say "no"? Or going out of your way to make others happy, even if it means sacrificing your own joy? If this sounds like you, you might be a people pleaser—but guess what, you're not alone!

People pleasing isn’t just about being nice—it’s a habit born from fear of rejection or conflict. While it may feel harmless at first, constantly putting others before yourself can leave you feeling drained, frustrated, and disconnected from the real you.

What Does Being a People Pleaser Look Like?

Here’s the telltale sign:

• You say “yes” when you really mean “no” just to avoid disappointing others.

• You pile on extra tasks because you want to be liked or needed.

• Setting boundaries feels like a foreign language, and saying "no" fills you with guilt.

• You’re always chasing approval or validation.

• Expressing your own needs? That feels terrifying because it might upset someone.

These may seem like traits of kindness, but they can actually take a serious toll on your mental health over time.

The Trauma-Informed Twist

People-pleasing habits often trace back to childhood, especially if you faced trauma or emotional neglect. Maybe you were taught that love and approval came with a performance, or that your worth was based on what you could do for others. These early lessons can keep the people-pleasing cycle going well into adulthood.

Why Is It So Hard to Break Free?

Here’s the thing—people-pleasing is ingrained. It’s like an automatic reflex to avoid conflict or rejection, because deep down, you fear losing love or belonging. Over time, it can lead to burnout, anxiety, and a sense of losing touch with your true self.

How to Kick the People-Pleasing Habit

1. Own Your Needs
   Your desires matter just as much as anyone else’s. Healing begins when you realize your voice and feelings are worth listening to!

2. Master the Art of Saying “No”
   It’s tough at first, but start small. Turn down that coffee invite you don’t really want. Over time, saying "no" without guilt becomes second nature.

3. Face Your Fears
   Where do your fears of rejection come from? Past experiences? Childhood conditioning? Therapy can help you dig deep and heal.

4. Be Your Own Best Friend
   Cut yourself some slack! People-pleasing is a tough habit to break, so treat yourself with kindness and patience when you slip up.

5. Get Support
   You don’t have to do this alone! Therapy can help you navigate the journey of breaking free from people-pleasing and embracing healthier relationships.

You’ve Got This!

If you’re a people pleaser, remember: You’re not defined by this behavior! It’s time to take control, honor your needs, and start living life on your terms. Reclaim your voice, say "no" when you need to, and let your true self shine!