Understanding Attachment and How It Shapes Your Relationships

Our early experiences with the people who care for us play a huge role in shaping the relationships we form later in life. Attachment Theory helps explain how the bonds we develop as children influence our emotional wellbeing and the way we connect with others as adults.

So, What is Attachment?

Attachment is the deep emotional bond we form with those who care for us, especially our primary caregivers. From the moment we're born, we have an instinct to create these connections because, quite simply, they are essential for our survival. Behaviours like crying, clinging, and following our caregivers around are natural ways we try to keep them close, ensuring that we feel safe and secure.

As we grow, we begin to use our caregivers as a "secure base". This means that when we feel safe in their care, we’re more likely to explore the world around us with the confidence that they’ll be there to support and comfort us when needed.

How Attachment Affects Us Long Term

The way we attach to others as children doesn’t just fade away as we grow – it stays with us and influences how we form relationships as adults. If we have a secure attachment as children, we’re likely to develop into adults who are good at building healthy, trusting relationships. We can manage our emotions, handle conflict, and feel good about ourselves.

However, if we experience insecure attachment patterns, it can create struggles in adult relationships. You might find yourself looking for someone to fill an emotional gap, but these relationships can often feel unhealthy or unfulfilling. Unresolved attachment issues might show up as anxiety, fear of abandonment, or a deep difficulty in trusting others. These patterns might cause you to form relationships that don’t really meet your emotional needs – and that can leave you feeling lost or incomplete.

The Four Attachment Styles

Mary Ainsworth, who worked alongside John Bowlby, identified four main attachment styles based on her research. These styles reflect how children respond to their caregivers, and they can also help us understand adult relationship dynamics:

• Secure Attachment: If you had a secure attachment growing up, you likely feel comfortable exploring relationships, trusting others, and managing your emotions. You were able to rely on your caregivers, which means you now have the ability to build strong, trusting connections as an adult.

• Insecure-Avoidant Attachment: If your caregiver wasn’t emotionally available, you may have learned to avoid close connections. As an adult, this might mean that you struggle to open up to others, even though you secretly crave connection. You might push people away without even realising why.

• Insecure-Ambivalent/Resistant Attachment: If your caregiving was inconsistent, you might have developed feelings of anxiety or clinginess. As an adult, you may find yourself overly dependent on your partner, constantly worried they’ll abandon you or won’t meet your emotional needs.

• Disorganised Attachment: This style typically arises from a chaotic or frightening caregiving environment. As an adult, you might feel torn between wanting closeness and feeling afraid or distrustful. This can lead to confusion and instability in your relationships.

How Attachment Shapes Your Relationships

The attachment style you developed as a child tends to follow you into adulthood. If you find yourself constantly trying to fill an emotional void with unhealthy relationships, it might be because of the attachment style you formed early on.

If you have a secure attachment, you’re likely to find it easier to form balanced, trusting relationships. But if you relate more to an insecure attachment style, you may struggle to feel secure in your relationships. You might constantly feel as though something is missing, even when you’re in a relationship, leading to a cycle of dissatisfaction and unmet emotional needs.

The Impact of Unhealthy Relationship Patterns

If your attachment issues remain unresolved, you might find yourself unconsciously seeking out relationships in an attempt to fill an emotional gap. This can leave you feeling lonely or emotionally empty when you're not in a relationship, as if something important is missing. And, ironically, even when you're in a relationship, you may still feel that emptiness.

It’s important to recognise that this isn't your fault – these patterns were often formed during childhood, based on how you were taught to connect with others. But understanding these patterns is the first step in breaking the cycle and making healthier choices in your relationships.

The Void You Feel When You’re Not in a Relationship

If you're not in a relationship, it might feel like there’s a void inside – a sense of loneliness or emotional emptiness that’s hard to fill. This feeling might stem from the way you learned to rely on others for emotional fulfilment during your childhood. You might think you need a relationship to feel validated or complete, but in truth, real emotional security comes from within.

The longing for connection can lead you to feel as though you need someone else to fill that gap. You may find yourself constantly searching for new relationships, only to realise that, even when you're with someone, the emptiness remains. It's not necessarily the relationship itself that's the issue – it's the deeper attachment patterns that make it hard to feel truly secure and content with yourself.

What You Can Do to Heal

The good news is that healing is not only possible – it’s within your reach. By understanding your attachment style, you can start making healthier choices in your relationships. Recognising when you’re seeking relationships to fill an emotional void, rather than looking for genuine connection, is an important step in breaking free from old patterns.

Here are some things you can try:

• Reflect on your past relationships: Think about how your attachment style might have influenced your connections and emotional needs. Understanding this can give you the clarity you need to make healthier choices moving forward.

• Work on your self-worth and emotional independence: Learn to feel secure in yourself, so you don’t rely on others to define your sense of self-worth. Building a fulfilling life outside of romantic relationships can help you feel emotionally secure on your own.

• Seek professional support: Working with a therapist can help you explore your attachment patterns in more depth and develop the tools you need to form healthier, more secure relationships.

Healing takes time, but with self-awareness and a little patience, you can create meaningful and lasting connections. The key is starting with a strong, loving relationship with yourself – because you deserve to feel whole, loved, and emotionally secure, no matter where you are in life.